Johanna Kern’s article published in the February 2019 online edition of Wisdom Magazine.
Based on excerpts from her book “Secrets of Love for Everyone: Everything You Need to Know to Have an Amazing Relationship”
Wisdom Magazine is one of the U.S. largest free holistic publications with 150,000 copies printed bi-monthly in three regional print editions, and hundreds of thousands of readers online. Wisdom is dedicated to opening people’s hearts and minds to the philosophies, products, and services of the new millennium.
THE FIRST STEP TO TRUE LOVE IS JOY.
When we are born, we are filled with the energy of Love, and we expect to be loved. We assume that the world is full of Love, and we are in shock when we experience coldness, indifference or pain. To a little child, Love is a necessity equal to food and water. In fact, lack of Love is more damaging to a child than poverty.
Many of us have grown up in dysfunctional societies (or families) – where we have learned to judge the worth of others and ourselves based on external appearances.
However, when we truly want to tune into the energy of Love and have a happy relationship with others (or ourselves) – we need to stop judging our worth based on the dysfunctional standards of our society (or family) that taught us it was shameful to be an imperfect human being.
Whether we want to be in a loving, fulfilling relationship OR we want to accept unhappiness, bitterness, and loneliness – it requires from us exactly the same energy and effort.
It is important to remember that it’s not our behavior but the essence of who we are that makes us all equally precious, lovable and worthy of living the most beautiful life.
Every human being is equally important and unique. One among billions. Just like everybody else, we are beautiful and special. But often, deep inside, we feel worse than others, not good enough to deserve Love, happiness or success.
Often, when we experience lack of Love from others, we not only replace our innate joy with fear, but also isolate ourselves from others with thick “walls” to avoid further pain.
Nothing can be further from the truth than anticipating that Love will lead us to disempowerment. It is the opposite:
Love is Power. Lack of Love is lack of Power.
When we are able to accept ourselves as we are and enjoy our growth – we begin to really feel the joy of life. We don’t’ need to be loved to feel good. Instead, we need to SHARE the Love that fills us up.
We don’t have to expect from others what they’re not able to give us because we can find all that we need inside ourselves. This does not mean that we need to be selfish in order to feel loved from the inside. It’s not about ego pride and seeing oneself as better than others.
Once we open ourselves to the energy of Love – it becomes our Inner Light, guiding us through all hardship in life, and helping us on our path to become the best version of ourselves.
The nature of Love has been one of the fundamental topics in philosophy, alongside questions about the meaning of our existence, the purpose of Life and what happens after death.
Since the times of the Ancient Greeks, and even before that – since Ancient Egypt, numerous theories about Love have flooded in from all directions, ranging from the materialistic conception describing Love as a physical phenomenon, to theories talking about Love as a spiritual experience allowing humans to know divinity.
Some evolutionary psychologists consider altruism and unconditional Love as necessary for further human evolution, since as a highly social species, humans as a race depend on cooperation to survive in our current, so depleted environment.
When it comes to romantic Love, all of us become poets, just as Plato stated almost 2,500 years ago. And if we cannot find our own words, all of us without any exception know how to find appropriate quotes, music, films or visual images to express what we feel. Many of us turn to literature, whether poetry or prose, when we are either falling in Love, looking for ways to express our Love or…seek some ways to comfort our broken heart.
Love is the most common topic in all songs, starting with the medieval songs of troubadours to numerous works in opera, pop, rock, folk, country, rap, jazz, dubstep and other kinds of music known and not known to us.
“All you need is Love” is one of the most repeated phrases and the song of the same title, by The Beatles, is one of the most recognizable songs in most countries in the world.
Love in art, music, theater and film – is the most popular topic on our planet. As there is no wedding, wedding anniversary, a romantic evening, or any other form of celebration of Love without a love song, or a beautiful love card, or romantic movie – we might realize how big the demand for such tokens has become.
No matter how we find out about the power of Love, once we tune into its energy, we have a chance to open our Heart and find out what is true to us.
True Love evolves naturally and it begins with Joy – which is one of the aspects of Love. Each relationship is different because all of us are different – therefore each relationship evolves according to the natural rhythm particular to the people involved.
However, the evolution of true Love in a relationship always includes the gradual exploration and experiencing the 7 aspects of Love: Joy, Acceptance, Lowliness (as in being humble), Equality, Surrender, Equilibrium and Reconciliation. Although these are the aspects of Universal Love, they do affect us in our own romantic relationships and we learn about them, sooner and later.
When we tune into the energy of Love, we are able to recognize, appreciate and respect the Light we see in every form of life, including ourselves.
Why do we feel Joy when we are falling in love with someone?
It happens when we recognize and truly appreciate someone on a deeper level. When we admire who they are beyond their physical appearance or personality traits – we have a quiet pleasant feeling, deep inside. It is a very different feeling than being swept off our feet by somebody’s beauty or personality traits. It is a deep and sincere feeling which surprisingly translates to Joy. There are no “bells” associated with it and we don’t lose our mind, or breath. When our Heart recognizes and admires another Heart – we feel quiet Joy. We may not be even sure what exactly that feeling is. We only know that it feels good.
Have you ever heard the expression that some people have “similar vibes”? Yes, that’s what we say about people who are somehow “alike” – and that’s not on a physical, emotional or intellectual level. We notice that they have something in common, but it’s something we can’t put our finger on – so we say they have “similar vibes”. And that is actually right on!
When you look at a person on a deep level, you see their pure Heart, their true being. You recognize their “vibes”. And yes, you can fall in love with that person if their “vibes” are attractive to you. It doesn’t matter if you are apples and oranges on every other level – but when it comes to your “vibes”, you won’t fall in love with someone if your frequencies are too far apart. You can get infatuated by them, but you will not be able to share the energy of Love with them.
Oh, no. Love is not blind. Love has “x-ray vision” and sees you for who you are.
It will look past your traits, and past your looks. It will know whether your behavior, emotions, or any of your patterns are a true expression of who you are, or just your subconscious programming. Love will appreciate you for you. If you have some emotional wounds or imprinted negative subconscious patterns and need time to heal, it will support you in that. Mind you, to support someone we love does not mean to sacrifice our own happiness for them. Ruining one’s own happiness in any way is associated with infatuation and obsession, not with true Love. When we say that true Love includes, not excludes – it also means that true Love supports the well-being of both people involved.
It is very important to remember that. As it is equally important to know whether the person we are ready for is ready for us. How do we know if they are ready? The same way we know that about us: if they feel Joy because we exist, if they don’t excessively stress or obsess about us – they are obviously open to sharing the energy of Love with us.
If someone is conflicted, afraid to fully open their heart, scared of intimacy, too clingy, too detached, or unreasonably jealous – it’s not a good idea to get involved with them. The risk is too big. Yes, of course, your reassurance and support may help them heal. But chances are that if they have a lot to heal – the relationship might take a bad turn and both people will be left heartbroken. It is best that they take care of their own healing first. It is best that they deal with what’s stored in their subconscious – and that’s for the sake of their own happiness.
It isn’t easy to make such a choice when we are in love. But true Love is not naive or blind. It lets us know what to choose because it always wants the best for everyone involved. An unhappy relationship is not what’s best for anyone.
True Love tells us when to commit, and when not to commit. It doesn’t make us run away when things are difficult, but it doesn’t let us sacrifice our happiness when things are beyond control.
True Love doesn’t cause us to jump into a relationship hoping to “save” somebody if the signs are loud and clear that the person in front of us – is not ready for Love. When we truly love someone we are patient, and we allow that person to heal in a friendly and supportive way. It means that we may stick around, if that’s our choice, but only as their friend. We won’t get involved with someone who is not ready for true Love.
There are also situations when Love will prompt us to get the hell out of there. Seriously. Sometimes that is exactly the best we can do for the person we fell in love with. Our presence in their life, in any capacity – even as a friend, will not be helpful to them. Instead, our presence may not let them take full responsibility for their own healing – so it doesn’t really take place, plus we ourselves can get hurt in an unforeseen way.
We are talking here about people whose wounds go so deep that only letting them be on their own can allow them to heal. And that’s because they might have a subconscious fear of being alone – so our presence will not help them to deal with that. Or the opposite – they might have a subconscious fear of intimacy, commitment, a fear of being hurt etc. – so our presence might aggravate that, instead of letting them find out what to do with it.
The obvious sign that someone is not ready for a relationship is that they avoid opening to Love. It could be because they experienced a heartbreak that hasn’t been healed yet, or it could be because of something else. Some people have been deeply imprinted with various ideas, such as “Love causes pain”, “women have no brains”, “men are not trustworthy” etc. Or they may feel that they are inadequate, worthless, not worthy of being loved. Such people will rarely take responsibility for their own feelings. They will either openly blame others for their attitude toward relationships, or they will come up with all possible excuses to tell you why someone is not right for them. In other words, it will always be somebody else who lacks this or that. Or they might tell you that they are too busy with their work, or that they don’t feel financially stable enough to start a relationship, or that it isn’t the right time for them. Indeed – it truly isn’t the right time, and it may never be.
It can also be that the person who is not ready for Love rushes into a relationship too eagerly. And, of course, after the infatuation wears off, they are very unhappy. Such person might have an imprinted belief that they have to be with someone because otherwise they are not good enough or not “normal” according to their environment’s standards. Or they might have a subconscious fear of being alone, and never feel happy on their own. They don’t know who they are, or they have never accepted who they are. Such person can be clingy, possessive, controlling and unreasonably jealous (there is often some jealousy present in the first stages of a relationship, or even later on – but it is rather normal, and you will know the difference between that and unreasonable jealousy). People like that might constantly fantasize/obsess about the person they desire, try to control or manipulate them, or get really angry with them when they don’t fulfill their expectations. Their eagerness to hold on to someone, their unreasonable jealousy, possessiveness or their outrageous anger are obvious signs of their instability, or even perhaps a severe psychological disorder.
If you get involved with such a person, your Love will not help them to heal. So even if you fall in love with them – since anything is possible when you appreciate somebody’s pure Heart – you need to know where to stop. If you see the signs of someone’s deep emotional damage, you will not get involved with such a person – unless you too are damaged and blinded by your own fears and wounds. Then you too need to take care of what is broken inside you. Big time. Otherwise – you will always be miserable in your relationships, and you may never know true Love.
Just because we love someone, it doesn’t mean we need to let them ruin our happiness.
When we love somebody, we’ll figure out what’s best for them. We will also figure out what’s best for ourselves.
True Love is never blind. It has “x-ray vision” to recognize a true Heart beyond the appearances and personal traits.
And then – it uses that vision when it is time to decide what to do next.
When we are falling in love, we may not be fully aware of our emotional wounds and subconscious programming. As our relationship develops, it is necessary to talk about our past experiences and face our fears. However, we need to remember that it is our own responsibility to take care of our self-healing. It isn’t our partner’s job. We need to create a trustful environment for our growing Love, and let ourselves tune into our inherent Joy.
Joy is not something you can mistake for anything else. It cannot be faked, and it cannot be forced.
Joy in being together. Joy in discovering each other on a deep level. Enjoying the mystery of where your relationship will take you.
When we feel that kind of Joy, it is a sign that our true Love is beginning.
The above article is based on excerpts from the book “Secrets of Love for Everyone: Everything You Need to Know to Have an Amazing Relationship”, published by HOPE Assn.
Read the original article online HERE
Los Angeles Book Festival, March 2018 (“How-To” category)
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