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Are we allowing the Ghosts of Our Past to keep us from the relationships we deserve?
The 7 Ghosts of Our Past that are Relationship Crashers
We all want happiness in life. There is no one on this planet who would truthfully tell you that he/she wants to be unhappy.
The quest for happiness in life is a two-sided coin. On one hand, it requires us to let go of our expectations and appreciate life for what it is – a wonderful journey to becoming who we truly are. On the other side, we need to put some effort to arrive at the place where we can fully be that person we are meant to be.
A happy relationship, based on true Love, is built on the same principles.
Happiness in relationship is present because of our ability to let go of what weighs us down, and at the same time – because of what we are willing to do for our relationship to thrive.
We want it to be a truly delightful feast, where the two of us can enjoy our time together, and celebrate what we have: Love.
But what if that feast we longed and planned for is interrupted by uninvited guests that appear at our beautifully set table with their own hidden, destructive agenda?
Visiting The Ghosts of Our Past
They are the relationship crashers. Just as the wedding crashers can come from either side: the bride’s or the groom’s – so do the relationship crashers. Often they can appear from both sides:
The Fear of Change
The Fear of Getting Emotionally Hurt
The Fear of Rejection
The Fear of Loss of Freedom
The Fear of Inadequacy
The Fear of Loneliness
The Fear of Failure
Every wound that we have developed becomes a weakness that we tend to hide in our subconscious, “brushing it under the rug” – so to speak. That wound, when not dealt with and not healed, becomes a base for developing a subconscious Shadow which guards our weak spots with, one might say, “its own body”. Such a Shadow becomes ruthless at the same time. A dark-natured bully who begins to control our behavior and feelings. The more unresolved past trauma we have, the more Shadows reside in our subconscious. The Swiss psychologist Carl Gustav Jung was the first one to talk about the dark energy as the building material for our Shadows, that is everything that we reject in ourselves and others.
Our subconscious Shadows take over in order to protect us from any possible harm.
Whether there is a real danger, or just some imagined possible threat, our Shadows come out and act on our behalf. As if someone pressed a button, we start behaving in a defensive way, like robots on automatic pilot. In short: we keep sabotaging our relationships, our happiness, our right to success, abundance, and our right to love and be loved.
When we are beginning a relationship based on true Love, we are agreeing to take equal responsibility for sharing our Love. When any problems occur, we can’t just point our finger and say: “It’s all your fault”, or “You know that I’m screwed up. I can’t help it.”
Actually, we can help it.
We can always help it if we really want.
The Ghosts of Our Past let us know of their presence, sooner or later. Actually, each of us knows their Shadows well. We know how we may react; we know what we have done, and what we might do. So let us not pretend that we are surprised by our Shadows’ existence, when they crash our relationship. And let us be equally aware that the person we love will have his or her own Shadows as well.
Now, it doesn’t mean that we need to run away from Love, or a chance to have a loving relationship when we are not yet healed. And let us not dismiss the possibility of loving and being with someone whose wounds might go very deep. Yes, it is best to take care of our own mess, before it becomes a deal breaker. But – the mere presence of the mess (the other person’s or ours) is not a problem that cannot be overcome. Unless it really is.
When we decide to love each other and grow together, we naturally take the risk of facing and dealing with our human nature.
Whether it’s us, our partner, or both of us who need to do some healing – we need to be equally patient, supportive and wise enough to know that the healing process takes some time.
This is the most important thing to remember when the Ghosts of Our Past appear to divide us, and “put us in our place” – so that we won’t dwell in the darkness of our misery, so that we don’t lose sight of the loving light of our Love.
Los Angeles Book Festival, March 2018 (“How-To” category)
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